Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Randomize
