Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
