OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
