I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
