I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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