I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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