I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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