sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
