I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
