Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
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