OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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