dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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