he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
