if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
