Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
