Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
babies were throwing up all over the place
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Randomize
