I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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