My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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