At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
