once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
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