I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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