What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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