It's Friday. Sex?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
