my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
