I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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