Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
