I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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