You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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