I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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