i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Will exercising make me less horny?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
