At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize
