Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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