I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
