I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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