I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
