So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Sorry about my life...
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
