Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
