The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
