He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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