; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
