just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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