I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
