I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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