I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
