How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
