She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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