she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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