I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
