Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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