Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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