I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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